Restore

 When I lose my peace

And get lost in hurt, anger, distress,

Lord, guide me to a place

Where grace can fill me once again

And restore calm and balance to me. Amen

Bless every moment

Lord bless each moment of every day

Help us feel safe

No matter what comes our way

Help us build trust that you are near

And will always come to our aid.

Amen

Don’t you Lord

A heart felt prayer song by Greg. ( words, music, performance)

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6xAdTTI8K8

When the day is hard

When the day is hard

Lord lift our vision higher.

May we feel your love surrounding us,

Pouring in to us.

Help us always to feel safe

Knowing that we are held in your tender heart.

Amen

A new dance video; We live in the broken places

A wonderful dance video about perseverance inspite of great suffering. Eords and music by Greg. Powerful vidro!

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4hBMpbvDdg

The Fourth Dimension

 

THE FOURTH DIMENSION

The iron in our blood, the calcium in our bones, the oxygen in our lungs were all forged in stars that lived and died, billions of years ago, long before the sun in our sky was born. 

Truly, we are “stardust made flesh”. 

We live in not just three, but at least four, dimensions. 

Every movement you make, no matter how slight, generates invisible ripples in the fourth dimension, space time. For example, wave your hand in the air and the gravitational waves you generated will already have passed the Moon and be on their way to Mars, forever radiating out through the Universe, stretching and shrinking space, a place seething with energy due to quantum fluctuations, subatomic particles and antiparticles popping into brief existence.

In about four years time your energy will have reached our nearest star, Alpha Centauri.

(Ref: The One Thing You Need To Know https://www.amazon.co.uk/One-Thing-You-Need.../dp/1789294800)

How amazing we are alive in this Universe!

Sometimes it’s good, as I was saying yesterday, to look up.

Spend too much time dwelling on the past may leave you feeling sad, regretful, disconnected . Looking ahead can be far too worrying, depressing, unsettling.

What about the present?

Well, what about it, when you are as ill as my wife and every second is unbearable?

If I was to ask my wife to wave her hand in the air, most likely that would be impossible, she is so ill and so paralysed. To do anything at all she has to consciously plan out how to make it happen, if she can. 

Carried away by enthusiasm, for I love all things astronomical, if I was to suddenly try to demonstrate gravitational wave theory to her, by waving my hand, the movement would most likely destroy her, sending her into paralysis and intense burning throbbing pain and literally losing her thoughts instantaneously.

In terms of space and time, my wife has long lived terrifyingly close to the edge of existence, clinging onto life through massive will power and sheer determination, in order to create a life, for her, for us, no matter how tiny and restricted.

She tells me how, whether it is to try and move her fingers and toes or to make anything at all happen, she sends out energy ahead. She visualises it as a kind of “egg”, expanding forwards.

Truly it is pure love and light, for I am enwrapped in it. It gives our life enormous meaning and purpose.

When the present moment is far too painful or impossible to be in, that is when you have to rise above it, Linda explains to me, and see the past, present and future as a whole, knowing there is a bigger picture here.

Through decades of agony, contemplation and prayer, Linda has learned to call this place of seeing and being “The Heart Of Love”.

Give thanks

Give thanks when things go your way, 

when unexpected outcomes materialise, 

give thanks for all good things in your life.  

Give thanks especially for the love of God,

who holds all, 

loves all, 

is all. 

Amen

Then you know

There is a story my favourite author Richard Rhor tells, it brings me joy, for how I see myself in it.

It’s about a young boy who asks an old man how to love God.

Learn to love a stone, the old man says. Just hold it in wonder, see it, feel it.

Then a flower, “let its beauty come into you.”

The same with the mountains, the sky, the stars be present to them. See them in all their forms.

Then try to really love, give yourself to, be present to, be faithful to another person.

When you have loved the rocks, the flowers, the mountains, the sky and loved another, then you will be ready to love God, the old man said.

Yes, I have been a gardener all my life, I used to lie on the roof looking up the stars, I have slept out under them, in Africa.

The keyword, to me, in this story is “ready”.

Ready to be broken open, ready to know great loss, ready to grieve, ready to cry, ready to open your heart.

When there is nothing left to hold onto, then you know that love truly begins.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/What-Mystics-Know.../dp/0824520394

Tenderly heal me

 

A PRAYER FOR HEALING

Lord in your mercy
Tenderly heal me.
Lord fill me with your holy peace
Not of this world.
Lord bless me
With your healing presence.
Restore me now to full health.
Lord strengthen me
With the Power of Your Spirit.
Ease the burdens that I carry.
Lord comfort me
With Your Tender heart.
Release me from all pain.
Lord console me
With the truth of Your love.
May all mercy be received.

Be our Light

Lord, be our light

When gloom seems to gather around us.

Banish all fear

When intractable problems arise

Fill us with hope

That there is a safe way forward

Be our guide

When our path falter

Lift us into the Heart of Love

Where we are held safely in the Love of the Trinity

Amen

Spring

As Spring comes in,

May we feel refreshed and renewed.

As each bud bursts into bloom

May we feel new life flooding our being

As the light shines through the petals, 

Making their beauty ever more radiant

So too may Christ’s Light resonate within us

And reveal  our true beauty.

Amen

Resilience

 

RESILIENCE

Holding on to something good and clawing your way towards it. That’s how Linda described resilience yesterday, struggling in bed, in immense agony, when I asked her.

She spoke about the destruction of illness….but still building a life for yourself. I wish I could remember all she said.

I did make a note of this though:

“Seek in yourself until you find it, you can’t just pull yourself together. You have to find your own innate well spring of goodness, love, something that will keep you going against all the odds.”

I write this because that much loved, ancient symbol of resilience, the daffodil, is flowering, right now in our garden. I am a hungry man, all this harrowing winter I have been longing for its appearance.

I wonder how others would describe “resilience “ in the face of long term, chronic, severe illness and disability?

Surely not in terms of “well, pull yourself together, change your thoughts and just get on with it, won’t you?”, which is probably how the rest of the world, who don’t want to know, sees it.

What it takes

WHAT IT TAKES

This getting older….

I could barely walk after cycling yesterday, my right leg seemed to be in permanent cramp all day. It made for an uncomfortable night.

However it’s okay, I think so anyway, this morning.

Thank God. For the impact upon us, me not able to easily do what I normally do, was quite devastating. We tread a very fine line here.

Little do people know what it takes.

Sometimes I watch those videos that urban climbers post on YouTube of themselves scaling up the side of skyscrapers, hanging only by their fingers and toes, hundreds of feet high, on flimsy looking window frames.

It’s even worse when they release one hand to make a phone call, or remove a shirt.

There’s a polish climber, Marcin Banot, who talks you through his process as he climbs for charity, in particular, the courage, the focus, the discipline and the terrific attention to breathing required.

Well, my hopes of ever doing that are far behind me now, as yesterday shows. In any case, Linda would be horrified. However it strikes me how perfect is the analogy.

Perilously hanging, without support, over a vast drop, is exactly the terrifying situation we are in, living in the context of severe, little understood illness. The danger of falling is ever present and massive. There is no rest, no relent ever. The pressure is intense. The courage and the effort to hold on, particularly for Linda, is way beyond comprehension, no one could possibly imagine just what it takes for her to cope, every moment of every day and still keep any shred of herself going.

Without discipline, without constant focus, without an immensely strong set of values, we would fall off the precipice into an unending pit of despair, hopelessness and unimaginable pain.

We totally rely on each other to stay safe. As I wrote here yesterday, you must keep looking up.

For that is where hope and new possibility lie. And that is when God can bless us abundantly and banish fears.

Without unbelievable courage we would freeze and not keep trying to climb, inch by tortuous inch, ever higher above the suffering. And we have climbed very high indeed this last three decades.

Courage is so desperately needed in the world right now. Both of us are immensely humbled by this mornings salute and the courage of Alexei Navalny. May he inspire us all.

Prayer for hope

Lord be close to us

Especially when we struggle.

Help us to look up and see your radiant face before us,

Smiling, loving, tender, caring.

Fill us with new hope that somehow all will be well

And we will be safe

Held in your loving heart.

Amen

To keep going.

 TO KEEP GOING

As I write, at the breakfast table, Dvorak’s “Largo”, the second movement from the “New World Symphony” softly plays, evoking memories of us two, up on the altar signing our wedding certificate.

On our wedding day, the music filled the Church, could there be a more triumphant marking of that moment?

I first heard it in an old country house in County Cork, Ireland. On that day, in the late 70’s, my mind was blown. Like no other, that piece touches my soul.

(Here it is: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASlch7R1Zvo)

I resolve this morning to write a symphony based on our garden, where we have sat for years and years on a bench. I have so much music waiting to be expressed, notes tumbling round my mind.

It’s crazy dreams like this that keep me going!

I sat out there yesterday afternoon by myself, watching tiny blue birds flittering about on a beautiful day. Linda in bed, too ill to move, in an agony beyond description. Later, she told me they must have been Blue Tits.

Our old wooden planter had collapsed in a mess. I was pleased that I had just managed to salvage its rotten timbers and restore it to what looks to me, anyway, like an exciting prospect for growing vegetables. Quite an achievement, given my lack of DIY skills. I had a look at it this morning, it is still standing and I am proud of myself. I look forward to showing it off to Linda. I will take a photograph of it for her to see.

Little achievements like this are so important. They give me a sense of purpose, of taking back control after being so unwell-last year, of confidence in myself. They, along with all my mad dreams and schemes, get me through.

That and looking up at the birds.

Always look up.

Lord, when the way ahead seems hard,

 Lord, when the way ahead seems hard,

Shine brightly for us so that we can see clearly what to do.

Lead us ever forward, gently, kindly, one step at a time. 

Amen

Lettuces in Lent

 LETTUCES

In repurposed, plastic mushroom containers, yesterday we sowed lettuce seed; the early sowings are always the best. Come Spring a seemingly endless supply of tender, organic salad, with luck, should be coming our way.

In our context, one of extreme suffering and limitation, the well practised ritual of seed sowing, of hands in the earth, of blessing the seeds as they fall onto the compost, is desperately needed.

Ever since we both had Covid in November the garden has been a barren, sad, neglected, untidy space; piles of twigs from winter pruning, dry husks of last year’s plants that we preserve as a home for insects during the cold months, cheerless, patchy, muddy lawn, benches empty, unsat on, in need of a coat of paint.

And pouring, like tears, through every nook and cranny, the much missed presence of our beloved Corgi, who lies buried, this last 18 months, under the golden yellow Mahonia bush, that, even here in February, is buzzing with bees.

Over there, by the shed, where my wife stumbled and fell, he once rushed over, licking her face and nudging her up. A breathtakingly beautiful act of wisdom and love. Round this corner he came once, dragging himself on his stomach, because he could no longer walk, surprising us with an enormous grin.

On his last day, stoic and accepting to the end, he paused to sniff the air and gaze at the butterflies.

“Why don’t you just get another dog?” some asked. They have no idea.

Nothing here is simple or straightforward. The tiniest thing, like me passing by my wife in the wrong way, or suddenly coughing, can have tragic consequences, triggering deterioration, muscle spasms and paralysis. Ahead lies a daunting operation.

I confess, I just don’t know how we are going to deal with what we have to deal with this year.

Sometimes all you can do is sow lettuces and hope.

This is when we reach out to God and He blesses us with his light and His strength. So much needed during the often struggling dsys of Lent.

Ash Wednesday.

 

Ash Wednesday

May we be guided through Lent by Christ’s bright Light. 

May blessings touch our days. 

May we find healing and hope as we progress towards Easter.

Amen

Local extinction a video

We pray today that the earth and all its environments and people will be saved. Open up our eyes to see the truth Lord and guide us to take appropriate steps to help all living things. Amen.

This is a powerful video, made by Greg. All art and music drawn, written and performed by him. Awesome!

 https://youtu.be/GqyJ-F3ubp0

Greg says about this video:

Inspired by the experience of climate change upon my garden, the surrounding countryside and the nearby sea, in this short film I try, through art and music, to convey the message that ultimately extinction is "coming for you and I".