Holding the known and the unknown

How do you hold the known and the unknown together? Can the pain of the past and all the wrongness you have suffered, be mitigated in the future? 

“ The danger is that where there is “unknown” and yet there are big decisions to make, with potentially frightening consequences, fear can loom in so large that it can incapacitate you, destroy, paralyse you,  make you so unable to think, feel and know anything but the fear, that it is hard to make the right decision or ask the right questions or take the right path forward.

It can stop you from seeing a clear path ahead or to trust in people, especially when or if you have been let down and harmed so many times before. 

How do you rebuild trust when it has been demolished time and again?

How do you find hope when hope has been dashed time and again and, not just that, but that you have been destroyed almost to the point of death, by incompetence, by people doing wrong things to you?

All the time you don’t know what is actually wrong with you there is always this juxtaposition between what is known from the past and what is unknown in the present about the future. When you don’t know what you need to know, you worry until you do know something, but when you never find out what you need to know, then there is a constant state of worry that eats at you.

Then you really have to try and push out your own energy, your own belief, your own faith, your own hope, your own trust in yourself, your own judgement and push that forwards into the future, so that you can actually take a step forward and breathe.

That is what I constantly have to do, to try and make a life, make something good happen, make something safe happen, by waiting when I need to and believing that I can, even if it is still impossible and not let that fear or doubt disempower me and make me so afraid, because my life is just so physically horrendous, that I cannot act or make a better future, because the fear can be so incapacitating, because of past experiences, that it feels like nothing different can happen, nothing can come right, even though you want, need, hope it will be so.

You have to banish the fear then.

Or you have to push through the fear, or go above the fear or go around the fear, whatever way feels right for you.

You may even have to still carry a certain amount of the fear with you, but bless yourself so that the fear cannot overcome you, so that you can still keep breathing, keep moving, keep hoping, keep moving towards the goal you need to achieve, even if it feels unachievable and impossible right now, incredibly painful, difficult and even terrible to imagine. It just might be different if you can grip your fear and see things wisely and trust in a different path to the one already trodden that damaged you.

This is where grace comes in and love holds you and nurtures you and walk with you.