Torture Marks You

Who am I now, Lord,
Battered and abused
And thrown in the abyss
I had not known how further I could fall
Forced into a pit
Not of my making
Broken and torn and splintered apart
Rent asunder at the core
That is where I have been
These last 4 years
Over twenty years of agony
And unimagined suffering
the last have been beyond
Any suffering previously known or felt
The betrayal,
the abandonment,
the negation,
the trauma, though
Are nothing
compared to the shredding of my self
from the inside out
There simply are no words
To describe
The empty, screaming desolation
Of a mind
And a body
That once danced
and sang
and cartwheeled
in the world
How can I say who I am anymore
When all I held dear about myself
was rent from me?
My body now repeatedly assaulted, broken down and emptied
Destroyed by any and every simple noise or movement past me.
Tortured by normality
No longer can I smile at abuse and denial
And laugh with hopeful inner strength.
No longer does that beautiful pure light
That kept me safe
Still shine
In the shadows of my illness.
My mind, so crushed and blackened
Tortured literally
into the smallest possible space conceivable
For life to remain
Is trying to heal
Is clawing its way back
And yet
The damage is done
Is it irreparable?
Only God can say?
Have I lost my faith?
No, but it has been sorely tested
In the desperate agony of moments
That few could bear and still stay sane or present
My faith a burning sword in the darkness
My wisdom now a slicing sword of truth
I can no longer love as I once loved
I can no longer care as I once cared
I can no longer be the gentle sweet person
I perhaps was once long ago
For torture marks you
Betrayal scars you
Trauma destroys you
Denial alienates you
And fear annihilates you
It is only the sweet tenderness of Mercy
Whispering in the darkest place
That saves me from destruction
And blesses me with a hope
That lives beyond hopeless helplessness
And holds me safe
in the empty void of endless nothing
And broken being
And leads me on
Still incredibly unbelievably
Holds me to the truth of who I am
Miraculously lifting me
Moment by moment
Towards a light I can no longer innerly see
Yet know
Still exists
And guides me
Ever on